This is a question I never know how to answer because most of the time I just lie and say what I know others want to hear so even though I’m not okay, saying I’m okay feels easier than explaining that I’m not okay.
Sometimes, I wish I was more honest about my feelings. Something I’ve discovered this year is that there is beauty in being vulnerable, in laying yourself bare – emotions are not something to be ashamed of, they are not a sign of weakness.
I struggle with embracing the side of me that wants to be vulnerable with people, it’s hard for me to express how I’m feeling, and words often fail me. I can sit and put pen to paper about how I feel, but the words can never actually leave my mouth.
So let me expose myself, and be vulnerable for a minute.
how are you, really Amal?
I am exhausted, so exhausted. I wish I could just switch it off. I wish I didn’t feel like I was constantly battling myself and that I’m stuck between who I am and who I want to be and it’s exhausting feeling torn between the two.
I have this version of myself that I envision to be, but because I haven’t reached that yet I feel so lost within myself. I get super critical about myself as soon as the year is nearly ending. I feel like I’m drowning in constant what-ifs – and that’s so draining.
Most days I feel like I battle my mind more than anything, and if you’ve ever had to battle your mind you know it’s an exhausting battle – one that you lose the majority of the time. For me this year a big thing was trying to rationalise my thoughts, and separating my thoughts from what is just my anxiety.
Something I tend to repeat a lot is I am not my anxiety. Training myself to know, and ultimately understand this, has been something so difficult. Let me tell you that it’s so easy to tell yourself to separate your anxious thoughts from reality but what do you do when they’ve both merged into one? And that’s not to mean I’m all about doom and gloom – because I have learnt not to be that way anymore.
It is to say that it takes way more than understanding words of advice to implement what you have learnt into actionable, tangible results. At the end of the day, all we can do is try our best. And the best anyone of us can be is ourselves.
So I’ll continue to try my best for myself, first and foremost, and for my loved ones too.
how are you, Amal?
If you was to ask me this today, how are you? I would honestly say that I’m not feeling my greatest, but I have recently learnt how to feel great. With a lot of love, and compassion from myself. And with a lot of love, compassion and understanding from those I love. I am now in a place where I don’t have to wish or say “I will get there”. I have been there. I now know and understand that not feeling good is as temporary as anything else.
I have felt great before and I will feel great again.
Yours truly,
Amally.
